The Unteachables Podcast

#129: The exact one-liners I use in the classroom when responding to defiant or challenging behaviour (and why every teacher needs these!)

• Claire English • Season 6 • Episode 129

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What to do when a student flat-out says NO

[Get the FREE Calm Scripts Guide: https://www.the-unteachables.com/calmscripts]

Let’s talk about the moment every teacher dreads:
You’ve asked a student to follow an instruction… and they just say “No.”
Or ignore you.
Or crank the volume on their phone.
Or knock the work off the table.

Whether it’s passive defiance or full-on “get out of my face” energy, the stress response this triggers in us? Whewww. It’s real. And it’s raw.

In today’s episode, I’m walking you through how to respond to student defiance in a way that’s calm, regulated, and actually works.
No yelling.
No power struggles.
No public meltdowns.
Just 20 plug-and-play CALM SCRIPTS that help you hit pause, protect your values, and keep your credibility in check — even in the heat of the moment.

Whether you’re dealing with low-level noncompliance or outright oppositional behaviour, these phrases will help you hold firm boundaries without escalating the situation. They are a nervous system life raft — for you AND the student.

Let’s get into it.

What You’ll Learn:

  • Why defiance hits teachers like a threat — and what your brain is doing in that moment
  • Why “just staying calm” isn’t always realistic (and what to do instead)
  • The #1 way to de-escalate student defiance without losing face
  • 20 word-for-word calm scripts you can start using tomorrow
  • How to practise these in low-stakes moments before things go off the rails
  • Why protecting the nervous system is the secret sauce to credible classroom leadership

Have a question, comment, or just want to say hello? Drop us a text!

RESOURCES AND MORE SUPPORT:

Connect with me:


Claire English:

Oh, hi there, teachers, welcome to the Unteachables podcast. I'm your host, claire English, and I am just a fellow teacher, a toddler mama and a big old behavior nerd on a mission to demystify and simplify that little thing called classroom management. The way we've all been taught to manage behavior and classroom manage has left us playing crowd control, which is not something I subscribe to, because we're not bouncers, we're teachers. So listen in as I walk you through the game, changing strategies and I mean the things that we can actually do and action in our classrooms that will allow you to lean into your beautiful values as a compassionate educator and feel empowered to run your room with a little more calm and, dare I say it, a lot less chaos. I will see you in the episode. Hello, beautiful teacher, and welcome back to the Unteachables podcast. I am Claire English. For any of you who are new here and haven't heard me before, and if you are new here, my gosh, you've got over a hundred episodes in the vault to go and listen to to. If you're struggling with something specific, go and listen to. Just go have a scroll and see what might be helpful. If you're dealing with low-level behaviors but like, for example, there's a whole series on low-level behaviors in the in the episode vault, so you just have a scroll through and see what might be great. If you are an avid listener, welcome back. It's so nice to have you here. You know that I appreciate you being here so much.

Claire English:

Now, today's episode is going to be a good one, because it's about something that I get asked all of the time, which is what to do when a student just says flat out no to you and is super defiant, and you know you've asked them to do something and it's just a no. So, for example, a student's in your lesson and they've got their phone out and you approach them and you say, hey, let's pop that away so we can go back to learning, and they look at you and they might say nope, or they might just ignore you and they might just continue. Maybe they even put the volume on their phone louder just to make things even more difficult. Maybe you've got a couple of students who are chatting away and you've asked them to be quiet multiple times and they're refusing to follow your instructions. Maybe you've got a student who you give work to and they're like I don't want to do this crap. Like get it out of my face and they swipe it off the table.

Claire English:

Whatever way the defiance shows up in your classroom, it is one of the toughest things to deal with, and that is for a variety of reasons, most of which have to do with our stress response and the fact that when a student says no to us, that's a perceived threat in the brain. Because control is safety. We want to have mastery over our space, over our class, over our practice, and it's just a recipe for disaster. When a student just turns around and is super defiant and says no, I mean for me, I know that my jaw gets tense and my face can get hot and my stomach can churn. My shoulders get really tight and inside it's really hard not to think. How freaking dare they say that to me? I'm their teacher in front of the whole class. Are they serious? And as well as that, when someone says no, especially publicly, it can start to make us feel like, if we don't go head to head on this situation, we're going to be perceived by the class as being weak. We need to make a point of this. We need to turn that no into a yes immediately. There's so much going on for us when a student says no, it is so difficult If you're in the behavior club.

Claire English:

By the way, this month's training is all about dealing with defiance. So if you want to learn more about the impact of defiance, why it's so challenging, and then obviously all of the roadmaps and everything to be able to deal with defiance, then pop into this month's training. If you're not in the behavior club, the doors are currently closed just because we're at capacity. But I will be opening up to the wait list only, um, at the start of next month, just to the people who are on the wait list and then to everybody else, I think one or two months after that um, depending on how we go with with membership and enrollment. So, um, if you would like to join us this is just a bit of an aside you can head to the-unteachablescom forward slash TBC, which is for the behavior club. I'll put that link in the show notes as well, but just wanted to do that aside, for the behavior club is listening. You can pause this episode and jump into the behavior club and watch that training series If you are struggling with defiance and you want a really specific roadmap to be able to address it and to really like, feel more in control of those situations.

Claire English:

Okay, but on today's episode, for the rest of you, I'm going to walk you through something that will transform how you react in those moments, which is calm scripts. I'll be going through 20 of my most used behavior response sentences that will help you to de-escalate the moment because it puts space between you and the reaction. Still, daily, when I'm in the classroom and I'm facing situations where students are being defiant, still I will go blank and I'll be like, oh my gosh, what do I say here? Because it can. It's so disarming for us. When a student says no, it can be really hard to know what to say in the moment. And because it's firing our amygdala and because we're getting that stress response, it's very easy to then just snap and to say something that might not be as helpful in de-escalating the situation. And if we're not de-escalating the situation, our likelihood of turning that no into a yes is just it's out the window, it's in the bin, right? So this calm script is one of the best tools that you can have in your pocket to be able to respond calmly, put space between you and the reaction and then hopefully be able to return to that situation in such a way that you'll be able to resolve it effectively, and it's also really helpful for the student as well. So we will go into it If these are helpful. By the way, I've also got a little download for you and I'll drop the blog link in the show notes as well, so you can download these 20 as a PDF and you can share it with your team if you'd like to. That's fine. But yeah, I use these daily and I'm just so happy to be able to bring these to you because I know that it's going to be helpful.

Claire English:

Okay, so what is a calm script? First up, that might be helpful to know. A calm script or a calm sentence is a short, clear phrase or sentence that you can use in the heat of the moment, when a student has shown defiance, has said no, and you're feeling like you might be triggered, might say something that is not helpful. You need to put space between it. It's just a ready-made response that helps you hold a boundary without escalating and without disconnecting with that student. Think of it as an emotional first aid kit, something that protects you and supports the students and just buys both of you some time to reset.

Claire English:

This is not about sounding robotic or perfect, by the way. It's just about being prepared if your brain does go blank and you're just not certain on how to respond to the situation that you have at hand. Let me give you an example of a situation where I've used a calm script. I have, I mean, every day, like you'll have these situations every day and this example is like an amalgamation of this particular scenario, where you know it always happens but, so to say, you've explained the task multiple times and the students are still chatting and you're trying to redirect and one student just says no, I'm busy, go away, leave us alone. So students that just won't stop chatting and you're trying to explain the task and you're trying to get them on track.

Claire English:

It hits so hard because it is public and that kind of public defiance can just make your whole body and brain light up. It's incredibly triggering. So, thinking about our instinct and intention in that moment, your instinct might be to react loudly, to assert authority, to shut it down fast and shut it down as quickly as possible because you don't want to seem weak in front of the rest of the class. But that's usually going to escalate things and your brain needs a lot of support to be able to get through those moments. That's why scripts keep you from spiraling. So in that moment, remember that the nervous system is on high alert, logic is out the window, you're in fight, flight or freeze and it's really hard to think of the right thing to say. So you've got those students in front of you. They're chatting away, they've said no, I'm not stopping to talk, you know, and your brain's all foggy. These prepared scripts help you respond with clarity when that brain is still a bit foggy and you're still being led by the amygdala, which is the emotional part of the brain, and you want to re -engage the prefrontal cortex.

Claire English:

You don't have to remember all of these, by the way. Just pick three of your favorites, write them down. Remember that you can just go and get my free guide so you can have them all there and you can highlight your favorites and have them just on your desk, which can be really helpful as well. Just say, if something's happening, you can quickly glance at them and find the right one for that moment. So you don't have to have it all down pat, you don't have to remember every single one of them, just have a few on hand. So here are a few. These are 20. So I'll try to go through. I might not go through all of them, we'll see how we go.

Claire English:

The first one is let's take a moment, then we'll try again. This is so good because in that, like that's easy to remember. Let's take a moment, we'll try that again. I'll come back in two minutes. What that's doing is you are saying to that student, without saying it, that that response that you got from them wasn't appropriate. That's not the response that you were looking for. I'm going to take a moment here, we're going to come, we're going to settle and I'm going to come back. That means that when you walk away, you can come back after that a little bit more calm, a little bit more regulated, and that student then knows that you are coming to resolve that situation as well. So it's giving you a little bit of space between it. That means as well that that student is not going to feel as threatened by it. They're not going to feel as confrontational, because they've been kind of prepped on what to expect next.

Claire English:

The next one is I can see you're not ready to talk. We'll come back to this. Same as the first one. You know you're not ready to talk, aka, like that was not the response that we're looking for here. We're going to take a moment. I'm going to come back. Let's take a moment. We'll reset. I'm not here to argue with you. Let's take a break and I will return in five minutes.

Claire English:

So I'm not here to argue with you. That is really good for when a student is going oh miss, what the hell are you doing here? Blah, blah, blah, blah. You can just be the adult in the room, um, which is really hard to do when I'm like talking about these things, like if it's a really triggering situation and that student is really defiant and it's throwing you in a tailspin, not arguing the point, is very difficult to do. So if you have ever gone into a situation where you have started to argue with a student and you've gone fist to fist, like you are, you know you're. That's the hill you're going to die on. Please know that you are not a bad teacher, you're not a bad human. You are not. You know you're not defying your values around education and around supporting your young people. You are just a human being that has an amygdala, that has a stress response. It has their own needs and of course, it is challenging in the moment. These calm scripts are just going to help you. So that one's a really good one, and I've used that many times before. I'm not here to argue with you, mark. I'm going to take a break. I'll return in five. We can talk then. That's just saying when I come back as well. We're not here to argue, we're here to talk through it. Another one let's pick this up in five when we're both calm.

Claire English:

Another one is here's why this matters right now. You might say here's why this matters right now. I've got the rest of the class that are ready to learn. You're not following instructions. I'm going to go away and I'm going to come back, and then we're going to discuss the choices after that. You might say you've got two choices. Either works for me. You can sit at the front of the room with me, or you can sit at this table here. Those are the choices. I'm going to come back soon. I'm going to hear what you, what you think, or I'm going to walk away now and you can. You can make that choice and I'll be popping back to make sure you've made that choice. Another one let's try saying that again, that's a really good one.

Claire English:

If someone's you know, if a student's snapped in a certain way, or and you have a good relationship with that student, you can say let's try saying that again. Like, what do you need right now? I can see that you're having a tough time, but right now I expect that we are sitting down and listening. Or right now I expect that you're going outside to to work with your partner, or whatever it is that you're expecting in that moment. I'm not here to argue. Let's take a moment. Oh sorry, I think I said that already in a different way. Whoa, okay, let's pause, I'm going to come back in a minute and check in. When I do. I expect that we're both in a place that we can have a chat. Uh, I like that one because if you've got a good relationship with a student and they've been really cutting with their comments or they've said something or they've spoken in a certain way, I'll go whoa, like, okay, let's take a pause, I'm going to come back in a minute and check in when I do.

Claire English:

James, I would expect that we're talking to each other on a different level than that. Okay, with a little bit more respect, might say take a second. I will check back in shortly. You might say we'll talk more when things are calm, but right now I need you to copy the date off the board, or whatever it might be. You can feel frustrated, that's okay, but I still need you to do X. You're not in trouble. We just have to find a way through this. Help me understand what's going on for you right now. Let's put this chat on pause. I'll come back in five. Have another think about what I've asked. I'll come back in five. I like that one. I use that one all of the time, because you've already explained your expectations, but now you're just reiterating that and you're giving them a timeframe to be able to follow through. So have a think about what I've asked. I'm going to come back in five minutes and check in. That means that you can walk away. You've got some choices. I'm going to give you space to think about them. I'll be back shortly. What I love about all of these is it gives you an out.

Claire English:

What often happens when students are defiant is we get locked into a battle, like a head-to-head battle, and we feel like we can't back down from that because it's very public and we think, if we back down, if we let that student win the battle, then the rest of the class is going to see that and they're going to know that I'm not able to follow through, that I'm not able to get that student to hand their phone into me, as I'm standing there with my handout and I'm expecting them to put it in there. I know that the class is going to think that when I send a student out, it's an optional thing because they're not doing it. You know. So when we use one of these scripts, we are not locking ourselves in to that battle. We are not saying you need to follow my instructions right now or I'll need to do this, because then what happens is we escalate, and escalate and escalate, because students don't want to lose face in front of their peers. They become more dysregulated, they feel boxed in. So they are going to, they're going to continue and continue and continue and it's going to get to a point where you both try to, you know, win that battle and it's going to get to a point where you have to reach the highest level of consequence for that student because you need to save face in front of the rest of the class.

Claire English:

These completely cut that option out because you are giving space. You are saying this is why it matters. I'm going to walk away now. The class can see that. The class can see you're addressing it but you're not getting locked into a battle and that student knows that you're not locked into that battle and you're just giving them space to make the choice. It is so flipping powerful.

Claire English:

So what I want you to do is I want you to find, like, choose two or three that feel really natural for you to practice and just have one go-to line ready. That feel really natural for you to practice and just have one go-to line ready and it'll just keep you anchored in tough moments. Go and download the guides, have that at the ready, highlight your favorites or just write one down from this episode. Write it in your phone and just practice it next lesson, even practice it on a student that and this is what I always do a student that isn't really really high level, like in terms of their behavior, not really complex needs. I might try these things on a student who you know like maybe they're just being a little bit difficult that day, but you've got a really good relationship with them and you know they're not going to explode. You know, like choose a student to practice on that, yeah, you have a bit more trust that things are going to go smoothly. So it's just like an exercise in practicing these strategies. That's what I used to do when I would learn anything Like so, when I was learning how to run really effective discussions with students about their behavior, I'd be first practicing with a teacher friend and then I'll be practicing with students who weren't as complex in their needs, and then I'll be practicing with students who weren't as complex in their needs, and then I'll feel more confident to be able to do it in the toughest of moments and it can be really, really helpful just to build our confidence in knowing what to say.

Claire English:

Okay, so, just to wrap up, you do not need the perfect response. You just need something that's non-reactive and calm. If you stuff these sentences up, it doesn't matter. You don't have to do these exactly. Those 20 were literally just a variation of each other, like they're really similar. You just need something that's calm and non-reactive and that acts as that pause button for you and the student. It just protects your values, it protects your credibility, but it also protects the student from escalating and it protects their nervous systems.

Claire English:

This is good for everybody to have something like that up your sleeve and, as I said before, if you want more of that kind of support, then we are digging into this inside of the BehaviClub this month, with our Dealing With Defiance focus at the time of recording. Remember, though, that we're at capacity, so be sure to join the wait list. If you're listening in real time. If you've been desperate to join the behavior club, you missed out before we closed the doors, and then I'll be opening for everybody at the start of either July or August, just depending on how that lines up.

Claire English:

But if you try one of these and it works well, please feel free to pop over and let me know or leave me a review, which would mean so much because it helps me to reach more teachers just like you, who deserve to have strategies and support that actually work. When it comes to things like this, that are the hardest things to deal with in the classroom. When students are defiant, they say no, and it makes us question everything. Okay, lovely teacher, thank you for listening in today, wishing you the best for the classroom this week and take care. Bye for now.

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