The Unteachables Podcast

#157: "What if I just realllly don’t like a student?!" How to teach a kid you find really dang triggering and unlikeable.

• Claire English • Season 8 • Episode 157

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Here’s a spicy but honest truth: sometimes, we don’t like every student we teach.

And while we’re trauma-informed, values-driven, compassionate educators — we’re also human. And navigating complex behaviour, bullying, defiance, or students who constantly derail your lessons? It takes a toll.

In this episode, I’m opening up the very real conversation about what to do when you find a student… unlikable. (Gasp!) I’m giving you the validation, language, and mindset shifts to acknowledge that feeling without acting from it. You’ll learn how to stay professional, regulated, and credible — while still honouring your experience.

Because let’s be clear: you can not like a student and still be a bloody great teacher to them.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

  • Why it’s normal (and not shameful) to feel disconnected from certain students
  • How your personal triggers affect classroom dynamics
  • What to do when you lose objectivity or patience with “that” student
  • The quiet ways your feelings show up — and what to do about them
  • Mindset shifts to stay regulated, empathetic, and in control
  • Strategies to slowly build bridges (even when it feels impossible)

Have a question, comment, or just want to say hello? Drop us a text!

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SPEAKER_00:

Hi there, teachers. Welcome to the Unteachables Podcast. I'm your host, Claire English, and I am just a fellow teacher, a toddler mama, and a big old behaviour nerd on a mission to demystify and simplify that little thing called classroom management. The way we've all been taught to manage behaviour and classroom manage has left us playing crap control, which is not something I subscribe to because we're not dancing with teachers. So listen in as I walk you through the game-changing strategies and I've seen the things that we can actually do in action in our classroom that'll allow you to lean into your beautiful values as a compassionate educator and feel empowered to run your room with a little more calm and dare I say it, a lot less chaos. I will see you in the episode. Hello, hello, welcome back to another episode of the Unteachables Podcast. Lovely teacher, it is wonderful to have you back here. If you haven't already, make sure you're following the show along because it is now February. Welcome to the second month of the year. And this month I'm going to be talking all about classroom community and building rapport and building those strong foundations that we need to be able to have a really well-functioning class. And this is gonna be fun. And today's episode is gonna be super fun, but also a bit taboo. I'm going to be talking about what if I just don't like a student? What if they're making it really flipping hard? Their behaviors, the way they're responding to me, or the way the lack of response really. What if they're pushing boundaries and day after day after day wearing me down? What if they're just not a likable person? Like, what if they're being a jerk to their peers? What if they're bullying other people? Or like there are so many reasons why we might find a student incredibly unlikable. And I feel like it's really taboo to be saying that in the trauma-informed space. But it is so true. We are all human beings having this experience of the world together. And as adults, we don't like all of our colleagues. As adults, we don't like everybody that we come into contact with. Some people just don't mesh with our personalities. Hey, you might be listening to this episode for the first time, like you might be listening to this podcast for the first time ever, and you might go, you know what? Like you're really bloody annoying, and that is okay. I would not be offended if you switched me off. But when we are in a position of power, and we are in a classroom, we are in a position of authority, and our students are children, we have a responsibility to try to foster that relationship, obviously, but also we are in a position where we need to be treating them in a certain way, obviously, right? But it is very important for us to acknowledge the fact that some students are very hard to get along with because of the context, the behaviors, and everything. There are so many things that we can unpack about this, and I really hope this episode gives you a lot of validation around this, because I myself have walked into many classes with many students and gone, oh, it's really hard to find you likable right now. Like I know that I need to work with you and I know it's really important, but I'm really struggling. So I hope it gives you a bit of validation as well as an understanding of these students and of course some really practical strategies that will support you to make 2026 a little bit better working with them. Because they're not going anywhere, they're in your class, you're stuck with them. Like, like you're not, you're not having, you're not gonna be able to, you know, escape the situation. And you also need to be working with them in the best way possible. So hopefully this gives you some really solid places to start. The first thing I want to talk about is the fact that the feeling isn't a problem. You're allowed to have your feelings, you're allowed to have your perceptions and you're allowed to see things in that way. You're allowed to think that that student isn't very likable because of their behaviors. I have found a lot of students unlikable, particularly when they're exhibiting like really nasty behaviors, when they're showing bullying behaviors towards their peers, or they're, you know, I will talk about it a little bit more later anyway, but like the kind of things that do trigger me because I was bullied at school. So my context, seeing that student in that context, I find then I project whatever I'm feeling onto them, and like it makes me feel like that student isn't a likable person. But the danger, right, is what we do with those feelings. The the problem is what we do with them. So if it quietly starts to steer the way that we're treating them, if it steers our tone, our lack of patience or our expectations of that student. So what I mean by this is like if you like me struggle to hide your feelings because they're written all over your face, then you might struggle if you're finding a student harder to work with. Those feelings, valid. Looking like snarling at the student, having that feeling all over your face when you're talking to that student every day, when you're greeting that student, that becomes a problem because then it's going to be harder to work with them. Or if you're hyper-reactive to that student because your patience is lower with them, or you're you're seeing them in a certain way, that's a problem. Because if you're hyper-reactive to that student, if you're picking on every little thing that they're doing, sometimes without even realizing it, I just want to say that we are, again, we're human. And sometimes we're responding or reacting to things based on things that we're not even aware of. Like we might just be thinking, oh no, like I'm just I'm treating that student like every other student and their behaviors are really annoying me. But maybe a student that you find a lot more likable is also calling out, be like, ah, it's okay. Like it really can shape the way that we respond to our students. So that can be a problem. Or if you've lost your ability to be objective. So if you're seeing that student through that lens of not really liking them, being frustrated by them, not wanting them to be there, you can lose your ability to be completely objective to the things. Sometimes it can also shape our expectations. So sometimes students can walk into our classroom and without them even doing anything, we're kind of expecting that student to misbehave. And it's often the students who just say if we see them walk up to the door and we're like, oh God, why isn't Joel ever absent? Like, why is that the student who's always here? If you're thinking that about a student, then it's likely that you are expecting that student to behave in certain ways. And again, you're a human being and your brain is preempting stuff because that is the survival mechanism to preempt, you're preempting certain behaviors in the classroom that are going to trigger your stress response or make you feel unsafe because you've lost control. Yes, but we shouldn't be expecting that student to misbehave because when we expect things from our students, it often comes to fruition because that is the golem effect in action. But I am acknowledging that it can be very hard not to do that because it is a mechanism in our brain. So a great way to try to like we need to shift the way we see these students. And a great way to do that is to say to ourselves, this is a student that I find really hard to connect with, but that doesn't mean they aren't worthy of connecting with, or that doesn't mean that they are going to always challenge me. That doesn't mean that there aren't parts of them that aren't really beautiful to connect with, like really trying to rephrase, like reframe how we see that student because that will help us get back in the driver's seat. It is a mental game, being a teacher and working with students that are challenging. It is really hard when we have students coming in every single day and challenging us in so many ways, but shifting the beliefs that we have and shifting the way that we're seeing these students little by little can make us feel more in control. The second thing that I want to talk about is being able to identify what we actually don't like. So going kind of moving from I don't like that student to thinking about their behaviors that we aren't liking. So often it's not the student we dislike, it's the way they might be challenging our authority. So I really don't like the way that they come in and my authority feels really challenged. I don't like the way that they come in and my my lessons derailed. I don't like how they're derailing my lessons. I don't like the feelings they stir up in me. I don't like the feeling of helplessness they stir up in me when they're exhibiting these behaviors and I'm at the front of the class and I'm trying to teach and they're stopping me from teaching. I don't like that feeling of being disrespected. I don't like that feeling of being totally out of control. It can really, it can really trigger our nervous systems when we're feeling these ways. Sometimes we can feel defensive. Like I don't like the way they trigger me and I feel defensive all of the time. So really ask yourself, what is it about this student that is difficult for me? When do I feel most triggered? Because if if we can start to identify the things that we don't actually like, it is actually a reflection on ourselves as well. And as I said, like the bullying thing, the fact that I'm really hyper reactive to those behaviors because of experiences that I've had in the past. I have mentored teachers who are really new in the classroom. And when certain students like call out over them, that will really trigger them because that is the point of which they thought they were really on track with the class and then that derailed them. So that particular behavior of them being called out over is something that's particularly challenging. So they might find that student more unlikable because of that particular behavior. Even though that student might be bullying student, like another student might be bullying students in the playground, they find that student more unlikable who maybe is calling out even just in a joking way because of what it triggers in them. So really identifying what we actually don't like can be really helpful for us separating the student and their behavior, because that would be the goal. Separating the calling out, separating that the disrespectful language to the actual human being, because there is often a reason behind what they're doing. The third thing is redefining what success might look like with that student. If a student's hard to like, like really unlikable as a student, it's often because they've learned that closeness and rapport isn't safe for them. A lot of the students who are the hardest to work with have a disorganized attachment because of the experiences that they have had in early childhood development. So all you can offer is calm, predictable, credibility. And that may be the most relational thing that they have experienced with teachers, a teacher going, you know what? I can't get close to you or build that rapport in the way that I might with Jimmy. Like I might not be able to do that. But what I can do is continue to be calm, predictable, and credible in my responses. And if that is what you can control, continue to control that because you can't control the students' behaviors necessarily. And I spoke about that a few episodes ago. All we can control is how we are reacting, responding to those behaviors. All we're able to control is how we are showing up in the classroom. And if they can't accept that, then you know, if they're not able to accept our offerings of safety, our offerings of rapport, then we can't control that. I kind of went on a tangent before and spoke about this a little bit, but trying to see students for more than their behaviors can be really helpful. But this also helps with people in general, not just our students. So for example, like my three-year-olds, I can get so frustrated at her and her behaviors, but she is three. If she is having a meltdown, if she doesn't want to eat her food and is asking for something different, if she is really pushing things and not wanting to get in the bath at nighttime and refusing to go to sleep and all of those things that can trigger you over time, I just stop and I look at her little hands. Like I look at the size of her hands and it reminds me that she is so little. She is not her behaviors. She is a little sweet bean who is navigating the world and she is doing very normal toddler behaviors. Like her behaviors are very normal, age-appropriate behaviors. So I just look at her hands, and that what that's what really, really helps me when I'm having moments where I find my own regulation so hard, which is very often as a parent, I find my own regulation very difficult. That's also what's helped me work through my own childhood trauma quite a lot. It's imagining my own mum as a little girl and the things that she might have gone through herself as a little girl. So it helps me build empathy. It helps me build that connection. It makes me feel like things are less personal to me. It doesn't mean that it excuses behaviors or takes away certain things. We still have expectations for people and people can still hurt us and people can still frustrate us. But it helps a lot with us understanding what might be going on. The same as it doesn't mean you have to be a student's best friend. Like you don't have to be every student's best friend. You don't have to like every student. And it definitely doesn't mean that we're excusing any of the behaviors from our students. It just gives us the best base possible mentally for us to work with them in the best way we can. Because if you don't like a student, they're your feelings, that's valid. But what we do with those feelings is really important. And you need to work on that mental game of not speaking about them in a certain way in the staff room or getting into a pattern where you're constantly frustrated and they can read that all over your face. Or the second they come to class, you're expecting challenging behaviors from them. Like we really need to break that cycle, otherwise, we're never gonna get anywhere with them. It really is a mental game. So thinking about those foundations of us building rapport and moving past those barriers. You don't have to be their best friend, but you can show up as your most regulated self. You can create safety through boundaries and expectations and routines that you've set and the teaching presence you're showing up with, and you reframing your beliefs around that student so you can actually look at them and go, hey Jack, how are you going today? Like it's lovely to see you here. And doing what you can to build bridges with them and just make your experience a little bit brighter and better. Think of routines and predictability, by the way, as relational scaffolding. Creating that safe place in a classroom can go a hell of a long way for helping you to reduce the behavior you're seeing in that student so you can find opportunities to find them likable, but it really helps to create that safe space. Now, I want to think about some active moves that you can make to build rapport with that student. So if we can have some positive interactions with a student that we're finding really unlikable, then it can go really far in shifting us out of that mindset of, oh, I just don't want to see them. Why are they here? I don't want them in my class. I hope I don't have them next year. I'm gonna talk about them in the staff room. I just, I just, you know, they're consuming me because I'm frustrated by them. Really shifting us out of that mindset. And a breakthrough can start with something really as small as like, thanks for getting started on your work, or I noticed you stayed in your seat today, or I'm really glad you're here. Like those little things, or like, hey, great job, like not calling out today, or anything. And I call this catching the positive, and it goes a hell of a long way. We just have to be very intentional. Like as teachers, with students who have the toughest behaviors, students who make it really hard to build relationships and rapport with them. We have to be intentional because it's very, very likely that the kids who are making it the hardest to connect with them because of whatever they've been through will not be the first to offer that on a platter. And remember their children. Like it's actually not their responsibility to offer that rapport and build those bridges towards us. As the adult in the room, we really need to be mindful and intentional to be doing that in the best way we can. Again, it is not your responsibility to like it's not your, like you can't control whether or not they accept those offerings. You know, you can't control what's waiting for you on the other end of, hey, I noticed you stayed in your seat today, or I'm really glad you're here. You can't control the responses that you're getting, but you have then done your bit and you are offering safety, you're offering rapport. If you do have a student as well who is really struggling, you can break those barriers with the two by 10 strategy, which I love. It is just a strategy where you intentionally connect with that student for two minutes a day, for 10 days, nothing academic, nothing about behavior. It's just a two-minute chat. And by 10 consecutive days, I obviously don't mean the weekend. Like try two weeks in a row, two school weeks, um, just to try to have micro moments of connection because that starts to show that student that you're willing to invest in the rapport. And if that student is tough because they do have a disorganized attachment and they're really struggling with their feelings of safety with you or their trust with you, it can start to break those barriers, those barriers down. What this will do for you is start to help with your experience of that student. If you can orchestrate experiences with a student that you find quite unlikable that are more positive, you're going to start to find more positive things in that student and you're going to start to shift out of that mindset. It's just to try to find a circuit breaker in the struggles that you're having with them. But remember to just give yourself a hell of a lot of grace and just control what you can. Give yourself permission to do this work and then go home. Give yourself permission to offer out the safety, offer out the rapport, do so in the best way you can and then go home and not think about it because you're not a martyr. You can only offer support and connection. It's not then up to you to make them accept it. You can't make anybody accept that. And it's actually unfair for us to accept it, expect them to accept it. If we have students who have incredibly complex behaviors because they have had a life where the very people who were supposed to support them and keep them safe and be there for them and love them and adore them unconditionally, they failed them. If if we have students showing up to our classes and we do like that, those people who were supposed to keep them safe, safe abused them or, you know, did horrible things to them or didn't keep them safe from them. Those things, it would be entitled and unfair for us to then expect them to immediately respond to our offerings of rapport and safety. We can't expect that from people. All we can do is offer it. So please give yourself permission to do the work, go home, do something for yourself to fill your own cups because we can't pour out, pour out, pour out without doing that. And it is very, very hard to work with students who have these particular profiles of needs. Remember as well that even if that student still does all of those challenging behaviors that makes them unlikable, you can still be a fair teacher, you can still focus on regulation, you can still control your routines, and you can still be that predictable figure. That's all you can do. You don't need all the answers, you don't need to fix anybody, you just need to do your job. And your job is being the best teacher that you can. And you can even not like them, but they don't need to know that. They don't need to know that you're feeling any particular way about them. You can still show up and be kind and compassionate, understanding, consistent, fair, regulated boundaries. You can do all of those things and still have feelings that you are not sharing inside because we are human and we all freaking do. The same way as we don't like some of our colleagues. And we don't have to tell our colleagues that we don't like them, that we think that they're really annoying or, you know, that they should just stop talking at the end of meetings. We don't have to tell them those things, right? You're human, and that is the main underlined message of this episode. And I truly do hope that that is the message that you're getting because we have to balance it here. I have to balance the fact that, and I think that's what's missing from the conversation with classroom management. When we talk about trauma, and maybe this is why this topic's very taboo, and I hope that I don't ruffle too many feathers, but when we're talking about trauma-informed practice, a lot of what's missing is the human in the room which is trying to manage all of these behaviors, which is the the adult in the room, the teacher, which is the heart of everything that we do. You are the heart of the classroom. And if you're not able to feel validated and supported and, you know, made to feel like your feelings are valid, then we don't have any hope of supporting our most complex and challenging students, the students who are the most vulnerable in our society. I am so passionate about supporting the most challenging students in the classroom. That is why I am called the unteachables, not the sometimes challenging. I am incredibly wildly passionate about students who have had a really tough time. And I have such a firm belief that if we have classrooms that are islands of safety and they're, you know, full of routines and predictability and teachers who are able to show up and be credible and calm and approachable and all of the things right, that we can we can change lives, not in a martyr way, but in like a quiet kind of providing a rock in the middle of a storm kind of way, like a really deeply rooted tree. That's what I believe, that's why I became a teacher, because I started in social work and I was working with homeless youth. And I went, I need to support these students. Like the stories that came out of school, they were all absconding, or they'd been kicked out, or you know, they'd had teachers that just thought that like it was just too hard, right? And I just thought I can't do work here, I can't work in this environment, I need to be in the classroom and I need to like be a base. Like that's all I was thinking when I started to go into teacher. When I decided to go into teaching. So um I can't even remember where I was going with this, but but this work, it just can't, it can't work without supporting teachers first. So I hope that I was able to encapsulate how passionate I am about though the two of those and how interlinked they are, and you know how much I firmly believe in both sides of that coin. I'm gonna leave it there because otherwise I will just keep on keeping on uh until next episode. Lovely teacher. By the way, if this resonated with you, please come and let me know on Instagram. Start the conversation. You popping into my inbox would be really cool to have these discussions and continue this discussion. And that is all for today. I will see you next week at the same time on the Unteachables podcast. Keep sprinkling that classroom management magic all over the place. Bye for now, lovely teacher.

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Claire English

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